trap door

i'm starting to get worried. i hardly have any fingernails left to chew. gross, but yeah. it's true. i hate feeling anxious. you can push something to the back of your mind and be fine, yet it always manages to push it's way to the front of your head and put you off your goats cheese and caramelised onion pizza.

i need to put my business plan into action pronto. first i need an investor which isn't likely to happen for a long time. i decided against getting my dad involved, it would end in tears.

on a brighter note the house feels very calm. it's 24 days now until we move to the new house and i am in desperate need of a new job. everything is happening so quickly.

i'm glad i have my amazing friends, family and boyfriend to lean on when i need them.

xo

11:27

i feel guilty that i haven't bothered with blogspot much anymore. apart from the '06 stalker incident, something i have always bothered with is a blog. i don't know why people would read it and i don't even , sometimes, know why i do it myself.

so the past few days have been interesting. in a bid to leave the redhead in the past, i opted for a light ash brown colour. erm big mistake, i am blonde and i look ridiculous. i should NEVER be blonde. being naturally dark gives me brown eyes and black eyebrows, blonde hair makes me look like a muppet. literally, like one of the muppets.

so today i am going to venture to boots and go dark again. i haven't been brunette for a while.

my motivation seems to have gone out the window, i find it so challenging to do simple things like walk to the shop. i still haven't brought cat food for vinnie so he has been living on frankfurters for the past 2 days. ahh thats mean. i think i need to go out and sort my life out!

xo

club tropicana drinks are free

i've started making my bed in the mornings.

wow

wow how long has it been since i wrote in here and wow how things have turned around in the past few weeks.

i was at the point where i had lost my best friend, boyfriend and home all in the space of two days. if i believed in god i would believe that he was thinking 'i feel sorry for you, have a break'. (god is a lie).

jon and me sorted things out and things seem a lot better now, although i miss him alot since he's away on tour. it seemed pointless to me that we were throwing away a long term relationship based on things that can be turned around and changed.

we got a new house. it's a whole house and it's lovely. it's in twickenham and the people renting it to us are genuine angels, the rent is cheap and no deposit which is perfect for us in our time of financial difficulty i.e. no money whatsoever.

.....

*deleted*

getting up and america

i should probably think about getting washed and dressed since it's almost 4pm and emily is coming round soon. i always love seeing emily, i don't see her enough these days. i really miss being 18, not having any worries about money etc, the only things we cared about was when heather and bryan were next going to france so we could plan our 'holidays' round emily's house.

i just watched bowling for columbine. i saw farenheit 911 and some other bits and pieces michael moore has done but this one blew me away. it really makes me wonder what grounds america use to base their loyal patriotics on. the americans are by far the most patriotic country in the world, yet bowling for columbine seemed to pinpoint every reason americans should want to flee. or at least live an amish existence.

i've been there a few times and i remember having to have photographs and fingerprints taken in new york. understandable seeing as it's been a city victimised by terror, but as michael moore proved, the americans invested millions in cia training toward osama bin laden; without that training would it of been possible for the terror attacks to be carried out?! it's a very political topic for those who have also seen zeitgeist and loose change.

this is a boring blog, i'm going to go and get ready.
xo

00:13 GMT

ahh i'm so bored. after arguing with the virgin media guy for a longggg time, after he spent 45 minutes not helping me whatsoever, i called back and the guy fixed the problem straight away. hello 20mb broadband! it enabled me to be able to watch the biggie film.
it was brilliant. i love when actors do amazing justice to some of the most influential people ever lived. joaquin phoenix as johnny cash and sam riley as ian curtis, two fantastic examples.

so work is getting me down and to cheer myself up, i have been reading a book which i got out of the library written by kate kray called 'the 20 worst crimes ever committed'. i'm joking, i'm not that sadistic, i'm reading it out of pure curiosity- not to cheer myself up- it's brutal.

i was thinking today about how things change so quickly. we found out yesterday that our house that we rent is going to be put on the market by our landlady (for an extortionate price might i add). we could be out of here in two months. it was christmas only two months ago, it seems like no time whatsoever.

speaking of time, i don't have time to be writing this. i have been out of my head exhausted for the past few days and i need to get some rest!!

xo